How well do you know the story of The Tortoise and the Hare? If Spike Jonze, the director and one of the writers of “Where the Wild Things Are,” decided to put it on the silver screen — the story would go a little like this:

Tortoise gets Alzheimer and speaks to everyone in an incoherent fashion, and makes his way across the finish line drunk.

“Where the Wild Things Are” is a movie I wish never existed. If you are even thinking about going to see this movie with the hope of reminiscing on the enchanted nature of one of your favorite childhood books, DON’T. It will kill your childhood memories.

The film was certainly not for kids — not because of any obscenities but because of the dark, depressing nature of the film and not to mention the scariest looking monsters ever.

CNN and USA Today both examined the reactions of parents who took their children to see the movie. One reaction from CNN:

“[The film] was joyless. There were maybe 15 minutes of the hour and a half that my kids were into it,” said James Griffioen of Detroit, Michigan. His 4-year-old daughter asked, “Why is this movie so sad?” in the middle of their family’s matinee viewing, while his son, a 20-month-old who normally can’t get enough of the 1963    children’s classic, was simply bored, he told CNN.

The main character in the movie was a boy named Max. He is a lonely boy looking for acceptance and has some rage issues.

The kid is just as weird in the movie as he was in his interview on Conan. But than again, I’d turn out weird too if my real name were “Max Records.”

In one scene he actually bites his mom out of anger and runs into the forest, onto a little boat, crosses the ocean and lands on an island where the “Wild Things Are.” He thinks he is a wolf and howls and growls a lot in the film which is all pretty annoying. Everyone in this movie, including the monsters, are either suffering from loneliness, feeling different, sadness or anger. The mother in the movie is losing her job, the older sister cares more about her friends than her little brother Max and at one point in the movie the “wild things” ask the boy, “Can you make the sadness go away?”

It was also very incoherent and had the worst story-line and dialog ever. Nothing made sense in that movie. It was so boring and finally when you think the conflict is finally here, it just becomes more disturbing.

Throughout the whole movie you are trying to understand where the conflict is and what the real story is. Finally, when the real conflict comes in it’s about the boy not being able to keep the “sadness” away, and thus out of his anger, one of the “wild things” rips off the arm of another monster.

When the movie ended I turned to Belal and said, “I want two hours of my life back.” The guy walking out behind us told his friend, “This movie was so depressing I feel like committing suicide.”

It’s like they always say, the book is always better than the movie.

Oprah is generally looked upon in American society as a great empowered but honest woman. She definitely has great interviewing skills. However, if you’ve always been an Oprah fan, this post may change your whole perception of her and her show.

I have a little bit more time on my hands now that I have spring break, and so I decided to turn on the TV to America’s favorite day-time talk show host, Oprah Winfrey. Unaware of the subject matter of today’s show I watched as she brought on a guest who was publicly taking the innocence of little children right before our eyes.

The guest was Laura Berman, an author who decided to talk today about how to speak to your kids about sex.

A concerned mother of a 10-year-old came on the show seeking advice on what to do. Her daughter for the past eight months has been asking her mom what “sex” was. The mother kept telling her child she would “tell her later.” The child knew it was something possibly embarrassing and refrained from asking her father, but still had no idea what it was and wanted answers from her mother.

“Doctor” Berman gave the mother advice. She told her to talk to the girl and tell her sex was just the ways babies are made. “That’s not too bad,” I thought to myself — after all I there was nothing explicit about that answer; but the doctor went on.

She decided to show the girl diagrams of human anatomy, both boys’ and girls’. She also told the mother to tell the child about “pleasure.” And forgive me for getting explicit, but the 10 minutes I watched of this show SHOCKED me. She decided to talk to the child about what I’ve seen IslamQA.com call “the secret habit” and tell her that it’s perfectly normal and OK to do so!

AHH! WHAT! Did I just hear that right? Oprah, have you gone mad inviting someone like that on your show!? A 10-year-old girl who had a simple question because she heard this word used around her school, and this is what they teach them in return?

Wallahi I was so disgusted. But it didn’t stop there! Berman proceeded to recommend getting their daughters toys (of the bad kind!) to “explore.”

I didn’t watch anymore. That served me right for even trying to watch anything. Wallahi I feel like it corrupted even me and I’m not a 10-year-old girl! It was so embarrassing I couldn’t watch another minute of it.

Lesson of the day – get your children out of public school and into Islamic school. Don’t let non-Muslims teach your kids! Islamic schools are not sheltered, I understand that, but at least there is a sense of disgust and reprimand that children learn when it comes to Zina. Instead of feeling it’s perfectly normal to do, at least the students KNOW it’s wrong!

Wallahu alem.

Sorry for the explicit nature of this post, but seriously be aware of all this garbage.

Wanting to steal someone else’s baby may not seem like normal to the average guy; OK fine, the average person. And sure, we don’t actually steal them, but this “thing” is what makes us talk baby talk at any Johnson and Johnson or Pampers commercial we see on TV. That’s right, it’s those motherly instincts that overtake us women and make us reduced to a puddle around children.

I can’t help it. I see a cute baby and I’m melted. I want kids.

But it’s the other motherly instincts that make me terrified of bringing a child into this world.

I’m not talking pangs of birth (although one of the scariest thoughts). I’m talking raising a kid, in America — actually, the world.

There is so much filth out there, much more than when we were growing up. And there has been a lot of filth that went around with generation X. Elementary kids know about sex, drugs and curse words. It seems like what used to be sheltered until high school, is now, sheltered until 3rd grade.

They are growing up in a society where being Gay is normal and culturally accepted, and anyone to speak otherwise is a hate monger.

When I was working for the Reveille, we had this columnist who decided to write a story about why America should stand together against homosexuality. The guy was right on point. However, I don’t think there has ever been a column that got more hate mail, more threats, and more responses in the history of the Reveille. Not even I, with my record hundreds of hate comments a week, had that much of a backlash against me.

The sacredness of the institution of marriage is questioned. After all, why get married when you have all the perks of marriage without any of the responsibility? Producing illegitimate children is a fashion these days, the latest accessory.

Then comes the issue of what am I going to do with my kids and school? Islamic schools, I hope that they can come up to par on the education level one of these days. And there is no way I’m sending my kids to public school, and then again I can only home school up to a certain level.

I hear many times people say, “I’m going to take my kids and live overseas.” Unless you live in Saudi, I can assure you, globalization has taken its course. What happens a lot of the times, is that the parents think their kids are now “safe” give them more freedom, and in the end the kids do much worse things “back home” than they do here.

Wallahul musta’an.

I want my cute, cuddly baby. But what’s a mother to do?

Surely, we can find some comfort in knowing that Allah protects and takes care of the children of the righteous, but have we really attained righteousness?

Scary thought…