I’m actually very hesitant in posting this, but I figured It’d be my post about marriage, before I write about why people should stop writing about marriage, because it’s kind of annoying now. That post will be so much better than this! 
While this isn’t a rebuttal of Br. Haytham’s post there are some things from the POV of a sister that I feel
brothers just are clueless about. In fact, I think brothers are usually about 90% clueless when it comes to the female brain, but let’s take baby steps in helping them on their roadmap to marriage:
Let’s be frank here — we as a Western society are picky when it comes to our marriage choices. Things aren’t as simplified as they used to be. Whether that’s good or bad is not the issue.
In keeping with the spirit of Br. Haytham’s post, I’ll keep to the outline he’s listed for the pre-marriage issues: Parents of prospective husband, prospective husband and our own insecurities:
Our view about parents of prospective husband:
Guys are terrified of fathers. Women are equally terrified of mothers. Let’s face it — some of the biggest problems after marriage originate between the wife and her mother-in-law.
Before we meet your mom, we make dua’a that she is very nice and not too over-bearing with high expectations of us when it comes to cooking and babying her son; and not to mention we hope she isn’t too critical of our looks.
And unless we are pretty traditional from certain backgrounds, there is no way we want to live with the brother’s family after marriage; especially if we grew up in the West.
It’s not about us being afflicted with this whole “Western Aggressive Girl Syndrome.” It’s just the reality of how we feel. Now that’s not to say that a sister will not be respectful of a guy’s mom. Truly, if a sister fears Allah, she will be very, very respectful to your mother regardless of whether or not she disagrees with her.
But that doesn’t take away from the fact that we are terrified before we meet your mothers. And generally, we tend to have no issues with the father at all.
Our view about the prospective husband:
Many of br. Haytham’s qualities he listed that brothers look for in sisters can go for both ways. The points I’m about to list are not in order of importance, but figured i’d offer a little different side when it comes to the sister’s POV:
1– Sisters look for good looks too. Although we are more flexible when it comes to looks, we definitely have to be attracted to the guy. We don’t necessarily need supermodels. Just follow the sunnah, and naturally iman and noor on your face will make you more attractive.
2—Maturity- we want you to be charismatic, not stiff, but mature. Show us you’re ready mentally to get married and take care of a family.
3—Religiosity—much like guys want their future wife to have the eagerness to learn the deen, it’s even more stressed on our side. Most sisters want a brother who is on the same level deen wise or above. We want someone we can look up to, because this encourages us to be better.
4—Dressed Islamically- Yes, that’s right — religious girls like beards! Contrary to popular belief, we are not scared of them, and in fact that’s one of our main concerns up front. I guess it’s the leeway in knowing and finding out about the brother’s religious mentality.
On a side note, one of my personal, biggest pet peeves is when a brother trims his beard really short for unacceptable reasons.
I always hear of cases from sisters where a brother says he shaves his beard for fear of airport security. And if you ask him what opinion he follows, and he usually responds that it’s haram to trim it or to trim anything more than fist length.
But even worse than that is when he shaves it because his mom doesn’t like the way it looks on him. Brothers, this is your hijab. If you follow an opinion, be firm on it. It shows weakness to us when you do this, especially because we as sisters wearing full hijab have much bigger pressure than you do when it comes to outside scrutiny of our attire.
5—Someone to find comfort in—we definitely want not only a husband, but a best friend. We want someone to console in and that will not only listen to us when we are down, but to tell us words that will make us feel better. Analyze the situation with us, and give us “words of wisdom.”
Usually, this is a “gamble” because we really can’t tell if this quality exists in a brother before marriage.
6—Knows how to treat his wife kindly and with respect—there’s a difference between being the man of the house, and being the prison guard. We don’t want the “What I say goes!” type of brother.
7—Has to be more intelligent than us to a certain degree—we don’t want to feel smarter than our husbands. You must be able to hold an intelligent conversation and know about things we don’t know anything about.
8—Too sensitive is too feminine—some girls like sensitive guys. But some guys take that too far. Believe it or not there are a lot of guys out there that love to spill what they are “feeling” all the time. We want someone masculine, but not afraid to say what’s wrong if they are upset. Just don’t cry me a river every time.
9—Jealousy- we definitely want the same from brothers as they want from sisters. We want to feel like we are special and protected. But don’t be too over-bearing in your jealousy. I know sisters whose husbands are so jealous they hardly let their wives go out of the house, even if it’s with other good sisters. Again, be a husband, not a prison guard.
10– Demeanor- the way your carry yourself is what makes you attractive. Carry yourself with respect and confidence. We view confidence as being very attractive. Seriously, a guy doesn’t have to be that physically attractive, but if he is confident it really can make a guy stand tall in our eyes. Finally, be respectful but also be fun.
Oh, and definitely a #11
11- Chivalry is not dead! Girls love chivalry. We want our husbands to open doors for us, surprise us every once in a while, give us their jackets when we’re cold. This is something almost ever girl loves.
Finally, our view of our own insecurities:
We are very self-conscious about our looks even the girls that know they are somewhat attractive. We are scared that when the brother sees us for the first time, and if he’s not interested we always think it’s about our looks- even if he states other reasons.
After all, we definitely want the one person who will see us without our niqaab or hijab to be the one who thinks we are the most beautiful.
A little secret—most girls don’t know how to cook in the beginning of marriage. But we learn. We’re also insecure about that. We know we can’t match your mom’s cooking yet, but give us time.
Wallahu alem.
-Egyptian Gumbo
Disclaimer: This post is in no way, shape or form an advertisement for marriage. I’m simply responding the post on Muslim Matters because I don’t see anything previously out there complied into one post about this issue from a sister’s POV. This is not to say that all these things are what I personally see or feel, but I believe it represents a lot of sisters as a whole. I know there will be some sisters that disagree. And again, these are general, not necessarily what I think or don’t think.
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